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How Choosing a Man to Marry is Like Buying a House

Shortly before my husband and I married we decided we wanted to purchase a home, so it was ready for us to move into after we said “I do.”

We started our house hunting process by choosing a realtor. We toured homes for several days, and then we put an offer on one we felt would be a good fit. But before we signed on the dotted line and picked up our house keys, we had an appraisal completed just to make sure we weren’t overpaying.

And, we also had an inspection done to make sure the wiring wasn’t faulty, the air conditioning worked, and there weren’t any defects in the property.

In short, we went through a process with many steps before we made the purchase. To do otherwise wouldn’t have been smart.

What if we moved into a house only to discover that the roof leaked, or the foundation was cracked, or the plumbing needed to be replaced? That would have been a total bummer to have invested a lot of time and money only to find out that the house had...

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How I Sabotaged My Love Life (without realizing it)

Hi, Single Over 30 Friend. 

Perhaps, like me, you’ve heard the phrase, “Hindsight is 20/20.”

I can’t think of a time when this sentiment was more true in my life than after I married. After I said “I do,” my troubled dating life made so much sense! 

In great contrast, my 28 years of singleness from high school graduation until I finally tied the knot at 46, was anything but understandable. 

Instead it was a tangled journey, sometimes heartbreaking, often confusing, and it was always a mystery to me why I hadn’t married. (Maybe you feel the same pain and confusion.)

When someone asked me, “Shana, why are you still single?” I would just smile and say, “Because I haven’t met the right one yet.” 

I could point to particular ways that the men I dated had failed to love me or treat me well. But the ways in which I could make better relational choices eluded me. 

Like you, I was doing the best I...

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How to Recognize a Love Bomber

 

I grew up like most young women. I wanted to marry in my twenties--and I thought it would just happen. Not only did I think it would just happen, but I had no clue that along the dating road from twenty until I finally married at 46, that I would encounter men who didn’t have my best interest in mind.

I thought love was supposed to go like this: I would meet a man and I would just KNOW. That’s what I had heard and been told and learned from the culture. Even my well-meaning Christian friends sometimes shared this sentiment. (There can be exceptions when two people meet and immediately hit it off, but with most healthy relationships, love takes time to develop.)

But, as you can probably vouch, dating when you’re over 30 can be complicated and it requires discernment.

In this video, I share about a particular type of man that wouldn’t have had my best interest in mind had I met him, and he doesn’t have yours either: the Love Bomber.

(Note: There are lots...

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The Most Personal Story I've Ever Shared on Single Over 30

 

When I think of all the women I know, I can’t think of a single one who hasn't experienced a relationship or a crush in which she didn’t get the closure she wanted or felt she needed. I know first hand this can be difficult. 

So what do you do when closure doesn’t happen?

To answer that question, I’d like to share the most personal story I have ever shared here on Single Over 30.

I’ve often thought that it’s the love that we experience when we are young that can pierce our hearts the most deeply, both in beauty and in pain. Our hearts are laid wide open when we are young and in love, and they can become pierced straight through when that same love dies. In my own personal story, this was definitely true.

About six months after a relationship with a young man that I had dated for three and half years ended because of my choice, I was plagued with a grievous sense of failure.

I tried to make the best choice that I could for my life; I prayed...

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How Not to Waste Time in Going-Nowhere Relationships

Hi, Friend!

When I was single, I dated three men for approximately three years each. None of them were a good fit for me and I wasn’t a good fit for them.

As I write this, I wonder, “What were you thinking!?”

The truth was, I wasn’t.

I wasn’t thinking because I didn’t have a clue about how to develop an intentional dating plan.

I wasn’t thinking because I didn’t know anything about the 5 stages that healthy relationships should progress through before saying “I do.” (I’ll be sharing more about these in an upcoming course I’m releasing this year to help you date with confidence and clarity.)

I wasn’t thinking because I didn’t know how to identify which character traits in a man were most important for marital success and which weren’t.  

I wasn’t thinking because I allowed the men who pursued me to choose how fast the relationship progressed—and that was often faster than it...

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How to Deal with Dating Anxiety

 

When I was single, I was the Queen of Freak Out. Here’s what I mean. . .

When a new guy would call and ask me out for coffee, I'd say “Sure!” Then, within 3.5 seconds flat of hanging up the phone—in my mind—I’d already met him for coffee, met his mother, I was dating him, I was folding his underwear, and having his babies!

I now know that my response came from the fear of rejection. I’d been hurt in the past, and I didn’t want to have a repeat performance! At the time, I just couldn’t seem to shake overreacting when a new guy came around. It was just a coffee date, but in my thoughts, I was already walking down the aisle!

When it comes to getting to know a man. . . if a guy calls, or sends a text to ask you out, you might find yourself freaking out too.

Believe me, I don’t mean this as condemnation, because I’ve been there—and I know it can be really uncomfortable and painful.

If you start to feel anxious when...

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[Free Download Included] Should You Initiate and Give Him Your Number?

 

Should you give a guy your phone number and invite him to call you? That’s the topic for today.

My husband, Clark, is joining me today to answer this question. 

 {Shana} Okay, Clark, so this week we want to answer the question, “Should a woman give a man her phone number without him asking for it?” I just received this question again this week.

The real sentiment behind this inquiry is: Will I be pursuing a guy if I give him my number?

This can be a confusing topic, because dating has changed so much since we were in high school when a guy would ask for a young woman's phone number and even come and pick her up for a date.

Many conservative women—and women with Christian values--don’t want to pursue a man. They want to be pursued. They want to know that a guy is truly interested in them. They don’t want to chase.

But what we are going to learn today is that pursuing and inviting are two different things.

To answer this question...

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4 Tips to Help You Have a Great Conversation with a Man

Oh, boy! First conversations on first dates, or when you meet a man in church, or in the grocery store, or at work can feel awkward. 

I get it. I experienced more than a few first awkward interactions with men as a single.

Sometimes, it was uncomfortable meeting a man for the first time. I wondered, “What should I say?  What kind of questions should I ask?” And I especially dreaded the thought of the conversation stalling out.

What I didn’t know is that there were tips I could have put into practice to have a great first conversation with a man. And, (yay!) These same tips could have taken the pressure off me so I wasn’t wondering if he was “the one” from our first interaction.

The following 4 tips will help you have a great conversation with a man—AND they will help you relax.

And (bonus!) you can practice the last two tips starting today. 

Then, you’ll be ready to have a great conversation when you meet a new man....

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Is It a Good Idea to Date Multiple Men at Once?

 

When I was single, if a man expressed an interest in me and wanted to date, in the early stages of getting to know him, I may have liked him but wasn't ready to exclusively date.  

I often felt guilty for not wanting to jump into the relationship and date only him, and I was afraid. Would I miss out on a good guy if I asked to slow down? Would he think I wasn't interested if I still wanted to see other men? Would he think I was rude?

I wondered if it was okay to let him know that I wanted to date other men while getting to know him. 

In today's post, I share why it's okay to date multiple men at once, and also how to have the conversation so he knows you're still interested in getting to know him. 

Your dating and relationship coach,

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Afraid of Being Compared to His Ex-Wife?

 

I recently received an email from a woman in the Single Over 30 who said she has been dating a great man, but he was married before and she is afraid of being compared to his ex-wife.

Specifically, she fears being compared sexually. 

Here are 6 Tips on how to deal with this fear. I hope it encourages you too! 

Your dating and relationship coach,

 

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