You go out with a guy to dinner or for coffee. It comes time to pay and you’re conflicted. Should he pay, or should you?
And, what if you go out with him several times? Who pays then?
In this podcast, my husband, Clark, joins me to demystify the question, “Who should pay for the first, second, or third date?”
And we talk about which one of us likes to eat kale. Exciting stuff! 8-)
Who should pay on the first date?
According to Clark, the guy should pay for the first date. You want the guy to be leading the relationship, and you want the guy to be pursuing the woman. You want to know that the guy knows how to care for a woman. Allow yourself be pampered by a man because men want to be the hero for the special woman in their lives.
Women paying for the first date
A woman paying for the first date emasculates the guy in a way. Certainly, don't be pressured into allowing a man to pay if you're not comfortable with it. But for Clark, the first time out, the guy should be in the driver's seat paying for the woman.
The need to help
Shana's clients have asked her why they keep attracting weak, needy men who don't have their finances in order, men who haven't grown up. One client figured out it was because she really likes helping others (which is a good thing) but also that she feels bad when she doesn’t help, that not helping is wrong. This way of thinking has drawn men to her who feel like they can’t take care of themselves.
What if you feel uncomfortable having a man pay for the first date?
When the guy pays for the first date, it can make some women feel like they owe him something. Women should be honest and kind when telling a guy that she'd rather split the check the first time they go out.
If you speak to men in encouraging ways and you don't shame them or make them feel like they're failing if you tell them you’d rather split the check, that can go a long way in getting a second date.
Shana tells many women on their second date that if he pays for the second date, they should say, "You've been so generous. Going out with you has been so much fun. Thank you for taking me out and treating me. Would it be okay if I got dessert?"
When Clark and Shana were dating, Clark always paid. Shana felt safe; for her, it was an honorable thing that Clark always picked up the tab. One of the things that made her feel secure was knowing that Clark was pursuing her.
What if a man expects physical intimacy with a woman because he is paying?
If a man is anticipating sexual favors, whether you pay or not, Clark does not believe payment will automatically raise the likelihood of that occurring. A man who wants to use a woman will expect physical favors no matter who pays because that is all he is predisposed to do.
Your boundaries are your friend
Your limits are your friend because they weed out those not genuinely interested in you. In the same way, if a man pays for you, it’s a sign since he's making a sacrifice. Most guys earn their money through hard effort. When a nice guy asks a lady out on a date, he is essentially complimenting her and expressing his interest.
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Learn more about Shana’s Coaching at https://www.shanaschuttecoaching.com
Schedule your Free Session at https://www.shanaschuttecoaching.com/request-breakthrough-call
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