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I recently received a message from a woman who has always wanted to be a mom. All she has ever wanted to do was tie the knot and have kids, but now that she is in her forties, she is feeling the dread that accompanies the ticking of a biological clock.
The realization that she won’t be birthing her own babies has settled in, and her heart is understandably aching. She asked me if I could relate because I married at 46. Of course! I always pictured myself finding my Mister Right young, tying the knot and having a family, complete with white picket fence—but that’s not how my life worked out. And honestly, it’s okay.
But I didn’t always feel so optimistic about it.
The onset of grief
In my early forties I noticed a sense of grief begin fill my thoughts and emotions about not being a mom. One experience in particular hit me hard. One afternoon, while I worked in one of my favorite coffee shops, a woman stood near my table with her...
As scary as it may be, sometimes a man you have been seeing simply pulls away or even disappears for a time. This can be really difficult.
Imagine for a moment that you've been seeing a man for a while and things seem to be going well. And then suddenly, he pulls away from you and you don't hear from him as much—or maybe at all for a while. Maybe he doesn't text you back right away, or he cancels a date, and you sense that there might be something wrong. Your fear may kick in and you may be unsure what to do. You may feel the urge to flood him with texts or drop by his house. Don’t.
It is important to resist the temptation to push him to engage with you because the distance that you are experiencing or him pulling away may not have anything to do with you. This is tough, especially if you’ve been “ghosted” in the past or if you’re the type of person who struggles with abandonment or rejection. It is scary to put...
When I first met Clark when I was 43, the man who would become my husband three years later, I experienced something I hadn’t experienced with many other men: peace and calm.
There was zero dating drama, no games, and no wondering where I stood with him. It was so amazingly refreshing! I finally felt loved, seen, and adored—which, was exactly what I wanted after being single until I was 46.
But why was this relationship different? There are lots of reasons, including that he makes me laugh every day. But a main reason was because Clark pursued me. I didn’t pursue him.
That hadn’t always been the case in my relationships. There had been plenty other times in my twenties and thirties when I was the more interested party. I pined after men who gave me relational bread crumbs or who played a lot of cat and mouse games with me.
Unfortunately, I reserved my affections for men who hadn’t reserved their affections for me. I hoped...
I also knew that when my man came along, that I would immediately recognize him--just like the movie and just like my mentor had told me. After all, I had been praying he’d show up and I knew my love story work out the way I had planned.
I want to increase my opportunities to find a mate. I feel I should be more open to men I may not find the most attractive at first, because there may be an opportunity for attraction to grow. If I’m not immediately attracted to a man, I have a hard time communicating with him or going out with him. How do I overcome this as I am aware that I could be missing out on some potentials.
Hi, Miss A.
This is a great question and an important one because attraction can be confusing. The first way to begin being more open so you don’t miss out on a good man who could be your Mister, is to change your perspective about how a good relationship can develop.
To help with a this change of perspective, here are some questions to honestly ask yourself.
Have you ever felt that you want a relationship but you're just not attracted to any men? This can be frustrating, especially when it doesn't make sense why there aren't any men that interest you.
If you can relate, I want to give you a few reasons why can happens to even the best women, and some things that you can do about it.
The first point to address is that you might subconsciously be leading with something that's not working to move you toward a relationship. There are some things that people lead with – and both women and men do this – that don't help to foster a relationship and can make them feel like they're not attracted to a person:
Your Mental Checklist
Sometimes when you go out on a date or first meet someone, you may have a list in your mind of attributes you desire in a partner. Then, on the date, your brain starts...
Sometimes a woman will ask me, “How do I tell a man I’m not interested?” Women often ask this question because they believe saying no is unkind. If you feel this way, I want to invite you to reframe your perspective.
In actuality, saying no is not the ultimate unkindness. Not saying no is the ultimate unkindness.
Why would not rejecting someone be unkind? Because when we don't say no and we're not direct, it keeps the guy wondering. He might retain some level of hope, like “Well, maybe she's going to change her mind, or maybe she's going to start being interested in me.”
Sometimes we just kind of breadcrumb him and talk to him when he calls, but not really give him too much attention, in hopes that maybe he'll get the message without us saying what we need to say to just reject him outright.
This is what is unkind.
It’s also unkind if we fall off the face of the earth and he doesn't know what happened, because it's going to leave him...
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