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In this Facebook Live from earlier this year, my husband and I answered the following questions from members of Single Over 30. I hope you find this special coaching session helpful.
Here are the questions we answered:
How can I know that the man I am talking to isn’t cat-phishing me?
What kind of questions can you ask someone to get to know someone when you’re long-distance dating?
What to do when the guys you like are not interested and what to do when the guys you are not interested in more than friends are interested?
How do you guard your heart and how do you know when to let yourself fall in love?
How can I look more approachable, especially when a job title, such as dentist, lawyer, MD intimidates a man, or does he need to work out his insecurities by himself?
Will a woman accept that I have to travel for work?
Can you address the stigma of online dating in the church?
What does it mean to guard your heart?
Can you address...
Like many single women, there are moments when you may long for a man to hold you. You may want to be protected, adored, and cared for. (And, there's nothing wrong with that. You have been created for relationship.)
And, like every woman who wants to tie the knot, you want a marriage-minded man you can trust.
I get it. I always wanted to say “I do,” but as the end of my childbearing years approached in my late thirties and early forties, my longing for marriage grew—and that longing led me to entertain relationships with men I shouldn’t have.
I ended up wasting time in what I call “cul-de-sac relationships” with guys who had no intention of "putting a ring on it" but who took me in relational circles.
This is something I see many single women do—and I don’t want it to happen to you, that’s why I’d like to share the following story.
*Kellie is 43 and wants to marry. Over a...
A while back, I sent you an email and asked you to share your greatest fears about being single with me. I also asked the other women in the SO30 Community to do the same.
I received many answers such as:
I fear never being loved for who I really am.
I fear being alone in my old age.
I fear I will never find anyone.
I empathize. I felt these same fears before I married at 46—and I know first-hand they can be difficult to deal with.
Of all the responses I received, the #1 fear was the fear of making a poor choice in a marriage partner.
If you can relate, I want to validate you. Even if it’s not telling you the truth, your fear makes sense. After all, you have seen others make poor choices in marriage partners.
You have watched those close to you—perhaps even your parents—languish in relational disaster.
And, maybe you feel you made a few poor relationship choices in the past, too.
Maybe you chose a man to marry who wasn’t good for you.
Today, I was going to share about traits of healthy relationships with you. But I decided to answer the question "Do men only want one thing?" instead, because I keep getting messages like the following from women.
“I met a guy and it was going really well until I told him I wouldn’t sleep with him unless we were married. He disappeared and stopped calling me. I am so hurt.”
“I got an email from a man I met online. He seemed nice. Within a couple days, he sent me some very inappropriate photos. I immediately blocked him.”
“I just don’t know where I can find a man who isn’t just interested in sex. All men—even the good ones—seem to just be after one thing.”
Is this true?
Are all men interested in just one thing? Are all men just interested in sex?
Are men generally more interested in sex than women?
But is sex all that all men care about and all that all men want?
That said, here are three kinds of...
I once spoke with a man who said he had been seeing a woman for two years.
“Her family doesn’t live in the U.S. She is lonely and has some health problems. There is no one else to help her,” he said.
“Does she want to get married?” I asked.
“Yes, she does” he said.
“Do you want to marry her?” I asked.
“No, I don’t.”
“Why are you staying in relationship with her?” I asked.
“Because she has a lot of needs—and she is alone.”
Sure, this nice guy felt sorry for the woman he was dating, but I sensed there was something deeper motivating him to stay in a relationship when he should call things off. So, I asked, “What do you think it will say about you if you break up with her?”
“It will mean I’m a jerk. And, I don’t want to be a jerk.”
“You think it will mean you're a bad person if you tell her you want to stop seeing her?”
When I was in my twenties I had a long-term relationship that ended which left me filled with grief and sadness. I regretted what happened for years and even though I knew there was no way I could go back and change history, I held onto the memories of lost love and couldn’t let go.
One afternoon many years after the romance had died, I sat quietly in my favorite chair talking with God. In my mind’s eye, I saw two fields. One was dried up and filled with broken sticks and scorched plants. Nothing was growing there and I was standing at the far end of it, clutching some of the lifeless foliage. I was grieved and desperately wished there was still life in that field. Days gone by were surely better.
Then, I noticed a flourishing field right next to the one where I stood, and Jesus was there. He motioned for me to come to Him. Suddenly, I understood what I needed to do. I threw down the dead sticks and plants, and took off running and ran straight into His arms. He held me...
My husband joined me to to talk about one trait that all men want in a woman. This trait makes a man feel valued and it's critical for women--single or married--to implement in their relationships.
As my husband said, this trait will, "go a long way toward [a man] returning the love to [a woman] that she craves." That sounds pretty wonderful, right?
Here's the transcript in case you'd rather read than watch.
Shana: This is Single Over 30
Clark: I am neither single, nor over 30.
Shana: Do you want to get in the. . . do you want to get in the camera?
Clark: I'm well, well over 30.
Shana: Okay, so today we are going to answer a question. You're going to answer a question.
Clark: I'm going to? Okay. Alright.
Shana: Can you give me one tip, because Shawn, in the Single Over 30 Facebook community asked if we would make a video with you and I. We're a little off center, because you're a little over there somewhere.
Clark: It's okay. (Laughter).
Shana: But anyway, soooo. . ....
A while back, I received a question from a single woman named *Sharon who asked, “Shana, I’m online dating and I don’t want to move. I love my community. I love living near my family and friends. So, can’t I just find someone in my community instead of expanding my search?”
Sharon isn’t the only one asking questions about long-distance dating. It’s a topic that often comes up with the women that I coach.
Before I go on, let me say that I get it. When I was single and in my late 30s, I lived in Colorado. I absolutely loved it and I didn’t want to move. So, when I tried online dating, and when a friend suggested I meet her neighbor who lived four hours away from me, I wasn’t open.
That said, here are 4 tips I shared with *Sharon that I hope help you too if you are asking if you should be open to dating long distance.
When you’re married, your husband is your first priority.
It’s awesome if...
Last year, I received an email from a woman in her forties who met a man and she was sure he was “the one.”
She wrote, “Shana, it finally happened! I met a guy a couple weeks ago, and we instantly hit it off. I just know we were made for each other. We have a true soul connection.”
Because I was single until I was 46, I know what it’s like to ache for a relationship and wonder if your desire for love will ever be fulfilled. I know what it’s like for a guy who checks all your boxes to come along and shower you with affection.
But when I hear stories like this (which is often), I always cringe.
It’s not that I don’t want women to find love—and it’s not that there isn’t a chance this relationship could work out.
It’s just that what singles call “chemistry” in the initial stages of a relationship is not a solid indicator of whether or not a relationship will go the distance.
It’s not a...
There’s a lot of talk out there that two people must be compatible for a relationship to last.
But how important is it in a relationship?
In his book The Meaning of Marriage, Timothy Keller provides a solid perspective about this topic. I hope it enlightens you are single and are looking to meet--and marry--that special someone.
“If you think of marriage largely in terms of erotic love, then compatibility means sexual chemistry and appeal. If you think of marriage largely as a way to move into the kind of social status in life you desire, then compatibility means being part of the desired social class, and perhaps common tastes and aspirations for lifestyle. The problem with these factors is that they are not durable.
Physical attractiveness will wane, no matter how hard you work to delay its departure. And socio-economic status unfortunately can change almost overnight. When people think they have found compatibility based on these things,...
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For a chance for your question to be answered in a vlog or blog, send it to: [email protected] with "QUESTION" in the subject line. I look forward to hearing from you!