"Shana, Should I Go Out With Men I'm Not Immediately Attracted To?"

Hi, Shana.

I want to increase my opportunities to find a mate. I feel I should be more open to men I may not find the most attractive at first, because there may be an opportunity for attraction to grow. If I’m not immediately attracted to a man, I have a hard time communicating with him or going out with him. How do I overcome this as I am aware that I could be missing out on some potentials.

Miss Attraction

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Hi, Miss A.

This is a great question and an important one because attraction can be confusing. The first way to begin being more open so you don’t miss out on a good man who could be your Mister, is to change your perspective about how a good relationship can develop.

To help with a this change of perspective, here are some questions to honestly ask yourself.

• What is it that I hope to quickly feel when I first meet a man who could be a potential mate?
• Do I believe that this feeling will prove to me that a relationship is worth pursuing?
• During those times when I have felt this emotion immediately—and have been quickly attracted to a man—did I later discover that the feeling was a good guide to prove that a relationship was worth pursuing? Or did the feeling turn out not to be a good guide for the quality of a relationship?
• Are the feelings that I expect to feel related to the “high” of sexual chemistry or to a particular “type”?
• Am I afraid that if I’m not with a great looking man that others will disapprove?
• Do I feel that a man who isn’t super great looking is beneath me?
• Do I believe that finding a man I think is “hot” means I will be happier than with a man who I find attractive, but not sexually intoxicating?
• What kind of character traits am I looking for in a man that will support a healthy relationship for the rest of my life—even into old age?
• Are these character traits exclusive to a particular “type” of man?
• If a man has these character traits, how would it affect my level of happiness in a relationship on a daily basis?
• How would these character traits play themselves out in practical situations in a relationship with my husband?
• Upon meeting a man, how long would it take me to find out if he has these traits I identified that would make for a solid, healthy, happy, life-long relationship?

As you think about the above questions, I am not suggesting you shouldn’t be attracted to the man you marry. However, be careful not to assume that a relationship couldn’t be good if you don’t immediately feel a high level of physical attraction.

You don’t need to be physically blown away by a man to be very happy and fulfilled.

We experience fulfillment in our heart when someone touches our heart and that happens with more than just the physical. When two hearts connect it brings relational satisfaction into our lives. No man can touch your heart with a physical connection because you cannot fill the soul with the flesh.

I also invite you to consider that sometimes women get physical attraction and just not liking a man confused. (This happened to me!) Sometimes a woman will feel that she isn’t physically attracted to a man, when she isn’t attracted to him as a person. She just doesn’t like him. He’s not someone she would enjoy spending time with. He’s not the kind of man who could be a good friend.

You should never try to force yourself to like a man as a person who could never be a good friend. You should really enjoy being with the man you marry.

However, you also don’t want to assume that an instant high level of sexual chemistry is proof that a relationship is worth pursuing.

A relationship is made up of many parts and attraction happens on many levels. It happens on the emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual levels. Attraction can develop with a man that you really like, love being with, and respect. Be careful not to put too much weight on the physical when first meeting or you could miss out on really great guy who would love and adore you.