Have you ever felt that you want a relationship but you're just not attracted to any men? This can be frustrating, especially when it doesn't make sense why there aren't any men that interest you.
If you can relate, I want to give you a few reasons why can happens to even the best women, and some things that you can do about it.
The first point to address is that you might subconsciously be leading with something that's not working to move you toward a relationship. There are some things that people lead with – and both women and men do this – that don't help to foster a relationship and can make them feel like they're not attracted to a person:
Your Mental Checklist
Sometimes when you go out on a date or first meet someone, you may have a list in your mind of attributes you desire in a partner. Then, on the date, your brain starts checking it off and seeing if this person is THE ONE.
If you're looking for someone to marry, of course you want them to possess the qualities you want and need. But the problem is that your "list" can make you create reasons why someone isn't a good match, even though you don't really know them, and this can lead to you feeling as if you're not attracted to them.
A Magical Connection
The second reason you may not be attracted to more men is because you are expecting an instant connection with a man. I've often talked before about how our culture dupes us, because it has us thinking that we will just know when we have met our perfect partner.
We hear things like, “Well, when you meet the one, you will just know it!” Or we see movies and people immediately connect and there are fireworks. Totally not realistic at all.
As I coached one woman this week, she talked about it being like all sparkles and unicorns and magic. This is what we have been taught to expect! Our culture has conditioned us to expect this feeling, but the reality is, that’s not often the case, and the relationship grows into something more over time.
Going for a Certain Type
If you go on a date and you have a type of man, as far as looks, that you think is right for you, it can hold you back from finding someone you could be attracted to who may not fit that mold.
Your End Goal
The fourth thing that could be affecting you subconsciously is an outcome, which kind of goes along with a feeling. But sometimes when we go out on a date, we're thinking, I am interested in finding someone to marry. And so we're assessing our date through this list, this feeling, this type that is this going to lead to a particular outcome. And all of these things add a lot of pressure when we first meet somebody and it can cause us to have our emotions shut down. The whole system just short circuits.
When these things are all combined, we may think that we have a good handle on something that will result in a good and healthy relationship, but it eliminates the possibility of things happening organically and ultimately, it really causes us problems in forming connections with potential mates.
What you need is to feel respected, be able to build trust, to have shared values. You need to genuinely like each other, and this is all stuff you can't assess in just a few minutes through a list, a feeling, a type or through striving for a particular outcome. Those things take time. Is this person trustworthy? Are they someone who's going to hold me when I cry? Are they going to be a good friend?
Now, someone might be saying, “But you have to be attracted.” Absolutely. You need to be attracted to someone, but attraction happens on all different kinds of levels. If you've listened to any of my vlogs, you’ve heard me say that it happens on an emotional level and a spiritual level and an intellectual level; there are all different levels PLUS the physical level that it happens on. But the problem is that we've been taught to lead with the physicality and a type, and our list and all that kind of stuff. And that causes problems.
If you lined up 50 married women, a lot of them would tell you that they and their spouses were on different wavelengths while dating. Maybe he was really interested, and she wasn't. Then, they both developed stronger feelings for each other until they came together, and they married. This is a perfect example of what I mean when I say sparks aren’t necessarily flying on that first date.
The man you should marry is not the young, already-successful guy on one end of the spectrum where you're like, Eh, but I don't like your personality, and I can't imagine being with you. And it's not necessarily the guy at the opposite end, where you think, Wow! You're really hot. . .but we have nothing to talk about. It's the guy in the middle who makes you feel safe, who you like, and you enjoy his company. He's probably decently attractive at first glance, but maybe not the type of man you would run home and tell your roommate about. When you find someone you're really interested in, as far as personality, and you love being together, all that kind of stuff, all the other things that we initially led with fall to the wayside, and they don't matter as much.
The other aspect to consider is that sometimes we have these things – like the list, the feeling, the type, all attached to the outcome – because we're operating from some mode of self-protection. We're using those things to protect ourselves from getting hurt. The problem is that those things shut us down again and again because they are too rigid, and our brains can’t cope.
Sometimes women will tell me, “Well, men are attracted to me. I'm not attracted to them.” Again, that can be self-protection, because if a man moves toward me and I decide I'm not attracted to him, that could be an avoidance measure that we're taking to protect ourselves. It puts us in control. But if somebody moves toward me and I kind of let myself feel something, that means I'm no longer in control because I have to respond in a way that can make me vulnerable.
It could also be because we're just not dating enough. We're just not getting out there enough. Maybe we've gone out on two, three, four dates, and there's not anyone we like. This is always a possibility, but I would say that over the long haul, if you're older – over 30 or 40, or maybe you’re back in the dating world in your 50s or 60s – and you're saying, I’m not attracted to anyone, and you are going out with guys, I'd look into some of these things and ask yourself some questions.
Is there something going on inside of me that's causing this to happen? Am I leading with a list, a feeling, a type or being attached to an outcome right away? Am I sabotaging my relationships without realizing it?
Remember, the dream you have to love--and be loved--is possible!
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