Many things can sabotage a relationship when it first starts--including the words you say to a man. In the beginning, a relationship can be fragile especially since two people don’t know one another well and trust between them hasn’t fully developed. That’s why it’s important that you don’t say these three things to a man, lest you sabotage a relationship that has great potential.
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Maybe you’ve said this before to a man because you don’t want him to think you are taking advantage of him, you’re needy, or you’re only out for what he can give you, such as money. Maybe you’ve heard that a lack of independence doesn’t make for a great relationship and men don’t like a needy woman, so you let him know you don’t need a man. But what you don’t realize is that saying this to him goes against one of his core needs: a man needs to know that a woman needs him.
A man doesn’t want a needy woman who can’t do anything for herself. He doesn’t want a woman who expects him to fix all her problems. But a man does need to know he is needed by the special woman in his life.
Here’s why: Most men need to know they can succeed. They are wired to be the hero and they want to know they can be a hero in a woman’s life. A man who cares for you will want to make you happy, serve you, and care for you. But if you say you don’t need him, he may feel he has no place in your life. He may think, “What does she need me for?”
Think of it this way: for many women, the greatest gift they offer a man is the gift of love that is demonstrated in nurturing, compassion, and kindness. If a man said to you, “I don’t need a woman’s nurturing, kindness, and compassion. I’m a man after all,” you may feel hurt because he would be rejecting your best gifts. You might feel as if he doesn’t have space for you in his heart or his life. Similarly, when a woman says, “I don’t need a man,” a man may think there is no room for him to be a hero in her life.
A man can be a hero in a lot of ways. He can help you fix your kitchen sink, give advice, show respect for you, or give you gifts. All of these are ways men like to demonstrate they are men. When you allow a man to be a man for you, it’s a gracious way to show him you care and respect him. It doesn’t mean you are needy or helpless. It simply means you know how to speak a man’s language and encourage him so he feels like a man.
If you would like more clarification about what it means to be needy, and how to show a man that you need him, check out my blog post How Not to Appear Needy and Clingy to a Man
The second thing you should never say to a man is: “It takes me a long time to trust people,” “I don’t trust people” or “It takes me a long time to give my heart away.”
All of these phrases signal to a man that you are insecure, and more importantly, that it might be impossible to get to know you. You might feel as if your words will reveal to him that you would like to trust him or that you’re open to trusting him, but it will just take some time. However, he may believe you are saying that you’re not open, that you’re difficult to get to know, or that you’re not trusting. All of these things strike at the heart of a man.
In addition to not feeling like he's going to fail, a man also needs to know that the woman he is with trusts him. . . She trusts him to care for her; she trusts him to provide for her, and she trusts him with her heart.
This doesn't mean that you're not discerning, that you immediately give your heart away, or that you should instantly trust everything about a man just because he says you should. It just means you don't use these phrases. Instead, you want to be warm, kind, and welcoming by using gracious words that let a man know that you are easy to get to know.
But what if you truly aren’t easy to get to know? Remember that your emotional safety in a relationship comes through pacing--and you get to decide how fast you go. If a man is really interested in you, he will wait for you to feel comfortable enough to open up.
Next, what you should never say to a man are all the bad things about your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband.
If a woman goes on a date with a man and immediately starts talking about how horrible all her exes were, he may think she doesn’t have the judgement not to allow bad men into her life, or that there are other emotional issues he may not want to uncover.
A man may also be afraid of being her next bad relationship experience. Just as it is with men who have had ex-wives or ex-girlfriends and they speak poorly of them; women wonder who was at fault and if he is a man she can trust.
I don’t want to give you the impression that you shouldn’t ever speak openly about your past relationships. In fact, it’s good to share freely about your past as you get to know a man, and he gets to know you. It’s part of bonding with another person and learning to trust them. But in the beginning, it’s just too much and can make you appear as if you have a lack of emotional health.
If you are a very open and transparent woman, which many women are, it can be difficult to selectively share because you love connecting with people. However, try to remember that a healthy relationship is developed with trust, and some things are appropriate to hold back in the beginning.
I personally experienced this in my early 30s. On a first date with a guy, he told me about his problematic past. At first, I appreciated his open and candid communication, but it also left me with many questions about him. After dating him for a few months, I realized that his initial oversharing was a sign of his unhealed emotional wounds and he needed to heal before he could commit to a relationship.
Sharing too deeply at the beginning could create questions in the man’s mind about your readiness for a relationship or your emotional stability to truly commit to a relationship.
I hope this has been helpful! As always, remember the dream that you have to love and be loved is possible! And remember to head on over to Singleover30.net/talk to check out my video on how to talk to men. It will give you even more great tips for finding a trustworthy marriage-minded man.
And also, remember to keep it sunny!
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