> What to Do When You Don't Get the Closure You Want
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The Most Personal Story I've Ever Shared on Single Over 30

 

When I think of all the women I know, I can’t think of a single one who hasn't experienced a relationship or a crush in which she didn’t get the closure she wanted or felt she needed. I know first hand this can be difficult. 

So what do you do when closure doesn’t happen?

To answer that question, I’d like to share the most personal story I have ever shared here on Single Over 30.

I’ve often thought that it’s the love that we experience when we are young that can pierce our hearts the most deeply, both in beauty and in pain. Our hearts are laid wide open when we are young and in love, and they can become pierced straight through when that same love dies. In my own personal story, this was definitely true.

About six months after a relationship with a young man that I had dated for three and half years ended because of my choice, I was plagued with a grievous sense of failure.

I tried to make the best choice that I could for my life; I prayed about if I should end the relationship or not; I sought counsel from others who I saw as more mature--and I agonized over my decision. Should I stay, or should I go?

Even though we had had a good relationship, when I entered college, I wasn’t sure if we should stay together. I was very confused and I wasn’t mature enough to really understand myself or even verbalize my feelings. (I was a kid, for goodness sake!) So a couple years later, we broke up and then I later regretted it very deeply.

In the aftermath of the breakup, I blamed myself.

I blamed myself.

I blamed myself.

I wanted closure by talking it out, hearing from my ex-boyfriend and I also wanted to be heard, but that was not to happen.

He didn’t share my desire.

I wanted him to provide me with the peace I so desperately needed. I needed to him to hear me say I was sorry and I needed him to grant me forgiveness. But he wouldn’t give it.

I tried time and time again to try and reconcile with him. He didn’t want it. I had hurt him—even if unintentionally—and it didn’t matter what I said or what I did or how many times I apologized or how many tears I cried. He had made up his mind. We were done. He started seeing another young woman.

The thought of him sharing his life with her cut me to the core. I felt like I had died on the inside while I simultaneously felt that I had a huge, gaping hole inside my heart.

I had never felt anything so painful—and haven’t since then. I felt as if I had gotten divorced. Even the death of my father or childlessness didn't match that kind of pain.

So, what did I do in my desperation to reconcile?

For the next two years I called him occasionally, (but not too often to appear pushy), drove by his house, and wrote him letters (even from London where I was studied abroad for six months.)

I tried several things to show him that I cared.

I was forthright and told him how I felt. That didn’t work.

I apologized and I begged for forgiveness. That didn’t work.

I left him Valentine’s Day gifts on his car. That didn’t work either.

Then, because I didn’t want him to feel pressured, I tried to be more pleasant and less obvious, a little more fun and lighthearted. That didn’t work either.

Then, when I was 24, I called him and he said, “Guess what?” In that moment, I knew he was getting married.

“You’re getting married,” I said.

“How did you know?” he asked.

“I just had a feeling.”

I wanted him to be happy, I really did, even though my heart was torn into a million tiny pieces.

“You’ll make a great husband,” I said.

“Thanks,” he said.

I hung up the phone, went to my bedroom and wailed for several hours then sobbed through the night.

I was devastated. I wanted to respect his engagement. So I no longer called or drove by his house or tried to say I was sorry. I had blown it.

I spent the next eight years nursing a broken heart—and hating myself, and nothing and no man could make my pain go away. From then on, I struggled with a huge fear of rejection.

I didn’t get the closure I so desperately desired. I felt like there were so many words left unsaid and I felt so misunderstood. I wanted to ask for forgiveness and to have forgiveness granted. I wanted to know that he forgave me, because if he did, then maybe I could forgive myself—and that forgiveness would prove I was worthy of being loved.

GET MY 7 PRINTABLE AFFIRMATIONS TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE WORTHY OF BEING LOVED. (You can frame them and hang them to remind you how awesome you are!)

In some ways, the pain of my broken relationship became more difficult as time passed. It wasn’t as acute, but the years and other failed relationships mocked me.

In my early forties, I thought that if I hadn’t made the choices I had made with this young man, then perhaps, I could have married sooner and perhaps I wouldn’t have still been single. Being childless and still unmarried made me question afresh my dating choices—and specifically breaking up with this young man I loved in my early twenties.

What I didn’t understand then that I totally understand now was that I didn’t need the young man I was dating to say “I forgive you” and mean it.

I didn’t need him to tell me he was sorry for how he had spoken to me or how harsh he had been in the face of my begging for forgiveness. I didn’t need to go back and rehash what happened so I could prove I was worthy of love, even though all of that would have been wholeheartedly welcomed.

What I needed was to let myself off the hook and stop blaming myself.

I needed to accept my value and receive the truth that I was worthy of being loved even if the man I loved didn’t love me in return.

I needed to embrace the truth that I hadn’t ruined my life so that I could have moved forward in my future relationships free to give and receive love without being crippled by fear.

I needed to see that I had allowed this young man too much power over me. I allowed him to define my sense of hope—and no one should ever be given that measure of power over us.

I needed to trust that nothing is ever truly a loss or a waste; there is redemption in every story.

And, I needed to know that closure is a gift that you give to yourself when you stop believing lies about yourself and start believing the truth about who you are.

Even if you’ve blown it and you haven't received forgiveness from a person, you are worthy of love.

Even if he was the one who walked away and never explained why.

Even if he guilted you or wouldn't accept your apologies.

Even if he walked away, gave you the silent treatment, or was horribly disrespectful, and even if you feel unworthy and unforgivable, you are worthy of being loved.

Nothing can change that. It’s how you have been made. You have been created for love, to love and be loved. It’s a fact, not just some wishy-washy sentiment. It’s truth.

I hope this story has been an encouragement to you. I’d really love to continue this conversation with you by inviting you to sign up for my freebie. This isn’t your typical freebie.

It’s not a download or a cheat sheet or a PDF like I often share. It’s an invitation to sign up to receive 7 Printable Affirmations that will remind you of your worth and value.

(And, I mentioned that they are printable, right? And, they’re pretty, which means you can hang them on the wall in your office, bathroom, or bedroom as a reminder of your true identity.)

It’s important to know your value because relationships always happen from the inside out. Meaning, what you believe on the inside is how you will experience relationships on the outside.

If you don’t feel worthy, if you’re afraid of love or being loved, if you have handled a break up or being ghosted or a man walk away from you in a way that has made you doubt your worth, you need to sign up to get these 7 Printable Affirmations.

When you do, for 7 days, I will send you Printable Affirmation to encourage you when a relationship doesn’t work out the way you desire, when you feel rejected or your heart is hurting.

Thanks for stopping by! 

Your dating and relationship coach, 

Shana 

 

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