How Choosing a Man to Marry is Like Buying a House

Shortly before my husband and I married we decided we wanted to purchase a home, so it was ready for us to move into after we said “I do.”

We started our house hunting process by choosing a realtor. We toured homes for several days, and then we put an offer on one we felt would be a good fit. But before we signed on the dotted line and picked up our house keys, we had an appraisal completed just to make sure we weren’t overpaying.

And, we also had an inspection done to make sure the wiring wasn’t faulty, the air conditioning worked, and there weren’t any defects in the property.

In short, we went through a process with many steps before we made the purchase. To do otherwise wouldn’t have been smart.

What if we moved into a house only to discover that the roof leaked, or the foundation was cracked, or the plumbing needed to be replaced? That would have been a total bummer to have invested a lot of time and money only to find out that the house had big problems.

The process of finding a home isn’t unlike dating with the intention to marry.

In my last email to my awesome Single Over 30 women, I talked about how you’re at a disadvantage if you are unaware of the 5 Dating Stages That Lead to the Wedding Altar (I will be sharing more about these over the next few weeks.)

You’re at a disadvantage because not being aware of these stages can cause you to overlook traits in a man that you shouldn’t.

It can cause you to choose a guy based off top traits you prioritize most on your “list” at the expense of taking a deeper look at his whole person—just as if you prioritized having a big yard on a house without taking time to discover if anything was wrong with the property.

Good-Looking Men

When I was single, like most women, I had a list of what I wanted in a husband. Sure, I wanted to marry a guy with great character who shared my Christian values. But in all honesty, I was equally interested in marrying a great-looking guy.

And, if I am even more honest, deep down, looks were a priority for me. (Side note: I do think my husband is very handsome, but it was his personality, caring heart, and kindness that won me over.)

Because I valued good looks, sometimes I overlooked unhealthy traits in men I shouldn’t have. (That’s what being smitten can do). I often didn’t take the needed time to find out who a man was as a whole person.

With a good-looking guy, I made assumptions about who he was when I had no idea who he really was. My desire caused me to overlook “checking out the attic” or “finding out if the wiring was faulty.” I idealized men with good looks. (I’m embarrassed to say it.)

Faith, Finances, and Leaders

Some women don’t prioritize good looks but they prioritize faith or religion above all else, thinking that if he is spiritually mature, that he will be the perfect fit. They want a man who is active in their church, a man who shares their Christian values—and that’s not a bad thing.

The problem is, is that a man is more than his spirituality. We are all spiritual, intellectual, physical, and emotional beings.

If a woman meets a man who shares her faith, but doesn’t take the time to learn about other aspects of who he is, she may exclusively date him or even marry him and then find out that spirituality doesn’t mean he is emotionally healthy, or sensitive, or even kind. It doesn’t even mean he would make a great mate.

Some women prioritize financial stability in a man.  A woman may meet a guy who has a great career and has his finances in order. But just because a man has his finances figured out or has a great job doesn’t mean he would make a good mate. There are many more aspects of a man than just his finances or his career.

I recently spoke to a woman who married in her late thirties.  She was very active in her church, and she was always interested a particular type of man.

She told me, “I always went for men who were leaders. I was always interested in the guy who was out front and popular. I would meet these types of men and immediately start dating them, thinking they would be perfect for me. Then I’d find out. . .wow! They weren’t who I thought they were.”

(Don’t get me wrong, there are many wonderful male church leaders and worship leaders, but it’s unwise to assume that any kind of professional or work label that a man wears guarantees great character—or even that he would be a great mate.)

One great trait does not a great mate make.

The wonderful thing about dating with the 5 Stages That Lead to the Wedding Altar in mind is that it can help a woman not make mistakes in judgment about a man’s character. It can prevent her from leaning heavily on attraction, an emotional connection, or one or two traits that she prizes on her “list.”

Dating with the 5 Stages in mind gives her a dating plan to follow so she takes her time in choosing who to date and marry. So, she can get to know more about a guy is before she jumps into the relationship with both feet.  

And that can never hurt, right?

I’ll be sharing more about the 5 Stages that Lead to the Wedding Altar—and the mistakes women make in regard to them—in upcoming emails and videos over the next few weeks. I hope you’ll hang with me as we explore these stages together.

In the meantime, remember that choosing a great mate is about choosing a total person and that takes time to figure out. And, a man who would be a great fit for you will wait while you learn about who he truly is and he learns about who you truly are, too.

You’re worth the wait.

Remember, the dream you have to love and be loved is possible. I’m rooting for you and praying for you!

P.S. This week I have a video for you about dating red flags. Discovering a red flag is kind of like finding out that the “roof leaks." If you notice one of these, it can be difficult to know what to do. Should you stay or should you go? I answer these questions for you plus I have a couple free downloads for you too! You can check them out here. 

P.P.S. Tomorrow, Saturday October 18, at 7:00 PM Mountain Time in the U.S., I’ll be doing a Facebook Live to dig a little deeper to talk about what your “Type” says about you. I hope to see you there. Here’s the link in case you need it. If you miss it, the recording will be available for you to view at another time.