He Sent Me a Text to Say He is Serious with Someone Else

 

Hi, R. 

 

I am so sorry this happened to you. It can certainly be confusing. For this question, I asked my husband, Clark, to jump in with some sage advice. So we're answering this question together for you. 
 
C: We don't know the entire situation, but based on what you're saying, I think the guy doesn't have a real strong perception of what the relationship was—or is—because he stated, “I don't even know if you remember me. We were together for 3 months. You may remember me.”
 
He obviously was seeing somebody else--or others--at the time, and he was never really committed to you. And, maybe he’s coming back because he's on the market again. He never said, “I’m terribly sorry.  I made a mistake.” It sounds as if he was just saying, “If you remember me, want to get back together again?”
 
That doesn’t sound like a guy who’s committed and mature. Either that, or he’s just manipulative.  I'm not going to assume motives, but it certainly sounds like he was in a different place than you were this first time around in your dating relationship, so I would--frankly--proceed with caution. 

 

Again, there are many specifics that we don't know about, including if you had any discussions about where the relationship was headed. If not, that in and of itself would lead to confusion as you may have been thinking one thing about where the relationship was progressing (toward becoming exclusive) and he obviously wasn't thinking the same thing.
 
What would you say, Shana?
 
S: I would say proceed with caution, definitely. But there are a few things in this message from him that look like red flags. 
 
First, he sent a text message saying that he can no longer see you—which is an insensitive thing to do, an immature thing to do, especially if you had been seeing him for several months. Next, he’s also been talking to someone else for a month and didn't tell you about it. 

 
Again, this tells me that you didn't have a clear understanding of where the relationship was going. It doesn't sound as if you had a clear dating plan--at least not mutually. 
 
If a guy's pursuing and you have gone out with him numerous times. (In this case you said you had been seeing him for several months),  you can ask, “Hey, what's your intention? What do you have in mind for the relationship?” This keeps confusion at bay. I'm not saying you can eliminate every problem, but there can be clear communication between both parties so you are aware if both of you are open to seeing others, or if you are exclusive. 
 
When he texted, he also said, “I’m not sure if you remember me or not.”
 
So, that makes me wonder: Where was his head in the relationship? You obviously remembered him. He may be projecting onto you something that he himself was feeling about the relationship—and about you. 
 
C: If he thought it was a serious relationship, you would assume you would remember each other, right? As opposed to some casual acquaintance which seems to be unless he's just trying to be humble or he's scared. It's not normally the way you would start a conversation.
 
S: One more thing, is that in some relationships, there's physical involvement, and so when that happens, a person may come back because they're fishing. They’re looking for something; they're not really interested in a relationship. They want what they can get from you.
 
Be cautious. You can ask him what he wants and ask for clarification. If he says, “We're just friends.” Okay, so you can keep your relationship at the friend level and don't give him exclusive dating status or act like you are dating exclusively when you aren't. If he says he wants something more, you will still want proceed with caution because it doesn't sound like he had the right intention the first time. Trust is earned. Not immediately given. 

 

Again, so sorry this happened to you. Remember not to give all of your time and attention to someone who isn't intentional with you.