In the last two videos I started a series on 4 Things You Can Do to Improve Your Love Life in 2020.
The thing I wish for you is that you’ll wake up at the beginning of next year and you’ll be in a loving relationship with a man who respects and adores you, or you’ll be further down the road to finding that man because you’ll be better equipped. You'll know more than ever how to have a healthy and loving relationship.
Great news! These 4 Things to Help You Improve Your Love Life aren’t dependent on anything outside your control. They’re all about you--and any woman can do them.
If you haven’t watched the first 2 videos, I invite you to go back and do that. The links for both of them are below.
Alright, so today is the 3rd thing you can do to improve your love life in 2020 and it’s. . . . (drum roll please) . . .
Ditch what I call absolute or all-or-nothing thinking.
For example, here are some of the things that I hear women say all the time:
There aren’t any men who aren’t just after sex.
I know I’m not attractive. No men will want me.
The reason I’m not married is because men just want women who look like models.
All the men who are my age are only interested in younger women.
Maybe you’re thinking, “But Shana, there is some truth to those sentiments.”
Sure, some men are just after sex. Some men won’t find you attractive. Some men want to marry younger women. Some men want women who want women who look like models.
Where we get into trouble is when we start accepting what we believe as absolute truth.
Because all men aren’t after sex.
There are men who would think you are attractive.
All men don’t want women who look like models.
And all men don’t want women who are younger.
All or nothing thinking can also be like:
There aren’t any men in my town.
I have a history. No men will want me.
Men just want to change my personality.
All or nothing thinking will rob your confidence and just make you discouraged.
Sometimes we might use all or nothing thinking as a defense against disappointment. If I believe that all men want super models, then I won’t be disappointed if my love life doesn’t meet my expectations. I can avoid being vulnerable or hopeful which feels much less risky.
One major reason it’s important to let go of all or nothing thinking is because it will affect your love life and sabotage what you really want.
For example, I used to know a woman whose “all or nothing” thinking was like what I see many single women wrestle with.
For years, she always said, “I would rather be alone than in a bad relationship.” For her, she thought those were the only two options: be alone or be miserable and in a relationship.
Her thinking was based on fear and feeling like a victim. She didn’t believe love was possible, so she rejected opportunities for love. She has vowed to never marry because she thinks relationships are just too risky.
Here’s the truth: Some relationships are bad. Some are unhealthy. Some people have horrible marriages.
But the truth is also that many people have great marriages, too.
And the truth is also that it’s not just chance that some people have great relationships and some don’t. The world has taught us that it’s all just up to chance. It’s magic. It’s a roll of the dice. It’s not.
Great relationships are great because the two people in them have honed their relationship skills.
Therefore, a better approach—if you want to marry—would be to think this way:
True. Some relationships are great and some aren’t. But I am going to learn everything I can so I can have a great relationship. I am going to learn how to identify a healthy man. I am going to become the kind of woman who can love and be loved. And, I am not going to allow fear make my relational decisions for me.
The reason it’s so important to let go of all or nothing thinking is that what you think stems from what you believe and which affects how you feel and ultimately how you act.
Faulty thinking can make you miss a great relationship.
Granted, I don’t believe we can control everything in our lives. But we do have control over many things and one of those things is ourselves.
Zig Ziglar once said, "Positive thinking will let you do everything better than negative thinking will."
Don’t let fear, assumptions, or all or nothing thinking rob a great relationship from you.
So, what’s next?
I challenge you, over the next week be mindful of the thoughts you think. Write them down in a journal or notebook. Then, after the week has passed, check to see if there are patterns in the way you are thinking about relationships, love, yourself, or anything else that can affect your love life. Then ask yourself, “Is what I think absolute truth? Or, am I believing something that isn’t helping me to get the love I want? Remember, the dream you have to love and be loved is possible.”
See you next time for the 4th thing you can do to improve your love life in 2020!
Sign up for Single Over 30 emails to receive weekly dating and relationship advice.
Sign up to receive free dating and relationship advice right to your in-box!
For a chance for your question to be answered in a vlog or blog, send it to: [email protected] with "QUESTION" in the subject line. I look forward to hearing from you!