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In this special blog post, my husband, Clark, joins me in a dialogue about the best way to draw a man to you and one way that will push him away. Women push men away in this way all the time without even realizing it. You can avoid it, and become more attractive to men. Learn more about how to talk to men at singleover30.net/talk
Shana: Sometimes women tease a guy, that they like, right in front of other people. Some women might have more “teasing” personalities than others. But Clark, tell me, if I am going to tease you in front of other people, when is it good? Or when is it not good?
Clark: It’s never good.
Shana: Why is it never good?
Clark: Guys have egos. We're proud. And we're insecure at our core. So if you make us look stupid, first of all, we don't like that to begin with. If you make us look stupid in front of other people, especially people we know, even if it's teasing, that really hurts....
One of the questions I often receive from women is like this:
“I don’t know how quickly I should move from just meeting someone to dating exclusively. I end up giving my heart away too soon and then I get hurt when the relationship ends. How do I know when to take it further with a guy?"
This can be a difficult topic. How do you know when to take it further with a man? How long should you know someone before exclusively dating?
Some people will say that you should date for several months before becoming exclusive, or for six months. There are all types of time frames that you may have heard about how long you should know a man before becoming exclusive.
Other people say that they are exclusive from the beginning because they are loyal and how can you get to know someone if you aren’t exclusive from the beginning?
Others say that it doesn’t matter how long you know one another before you exclusively date if you just feel that it’s right, if...
Last year, I sent out an email and asked the women in my Single Over 30 community to share their greatest fears about being single with me.
I received many answers such as:
I fear never being loved for who I really am.
I fear being alone in my old age.
I fear I will never find anyone.
I empathize. I felt these same fears before I married at 46—and I know first-hand they can be difficult to handle.
However, of all the responses I received, the #1 fear was the fear of making a poor choice in a marriage partner.
If you can relate, I want to validate you. Even if your fear isn’t telling you the truth, your fear makes sense.
After all, you may have seen others make poor choices in marriage partners.
You’ve watched those close to you—perhaps even your parents—languish in relational disaster.
And, maybe you feel you made a few poor relationship choices in the past, too.
Maybe you chose a man to marry who wasn’t good to you...
We recommended that peak because we thought the runs would be a little easier for him. It would better match his skill level. He said, “I don’t know if I would like that or not,” before saying “No, I don’t think so.”
We gently encouraged him, sharing the reasons that we thought that he’d really love the experience of a new peak.
After a time, he reluctantly said, “Okay, I’ll try it.”
We could tell he was scared, and he seemed convinced he wasn’t going to like it even before trying it. However, once he and his grandma came back to our house, he just went on...
I speak to a lot of women about their dating lives—awesome, amazing, wonderful women. Many tell me that they are afraid about dating, or some are so tired of being disappointed that they don’t even want to try.
It may be so messy or frustrating that they may not want to continue putting themselves out there. Does this describe you? If so, then I’ve got four tips you can use to start feeling better about dating today.
Thinking of dating as a process is the opposite of thinking, “I am going to meet my man and I will just immediately know he is the one.” Having this attitude will put so much pressure on you, and it will take the joy out of dating. But if you think of dating as a process of discovery about yourself and about other people, then it will put you in a position of curiosity—curious to just learn about other people and about yourself. It will totally take the pressure off.
I used to coach...
I recently received a message from a woman who has always wanted to be a mom. All she has ever wanted to do was tie the knot and have kids, but now that she is in her forties, she is feeling the dread that accompanies the ticking of a biological clock.
The realization that she won’t be birthing her own babies has settled in, and her heart is understandably aching. She asked me if I could relate because I married at 46. Of course! I always pictured myself finding my Mister Right young, tying the knot and having a family, complete with white picket fence—but that’s not how my life worked out. And honestly, it’s okay.
But I didn’t always feel so optimistic about it.
The onset of grief
In my early forties I noticed a sense of grief begin fill my thoughts and emotions about not being a mom. One experience in particular hit me hard. One afternoon, while I worked in one of my favorite coffee shops, a woman stood near my table with her...
As scary as it may be, sometimes a man you have been seeing simply pulls away or even disappears for a time. This can be really difficult.
Imagine for a moment that you've been seeing a man for a while and things seem to be going well. And then suddenly, he pulls away from you and you don't hear from him as much—or maybe at all for a while. Maybe he doesn't text you back right away, or he cancels a date, and you sense that there might be something wrong. Your fear may kick in and you may be unsure what to do. You may feel the urge to flood him with texts or drop by his house. Don’t.
It is important to resist the temptation to push him to engage with you because the distance that you are experiencing or him pulling away may not have anything to do with you. This is tough, especially if you’ve been “ghosted” in the past or if you’re the type of person who struggles with abandonment or rejection. It is scary to put yourself...
When I first met Clark when I was 43, the man who would become my husband three years later, I experienced something I hadn’t experienced with many other men: peace and calm.
There was zero dating drama, no games, and no wondering where I stood with him. It was so amazingly refreshing! I finally felt loved, seen, and adored—which, was exactly what I wanted after being single until I was 46.
But why was this relationship different? There are lots of reasons, including that he makes me laugh every day. But a main reason was because Clark pursued me. I didn’t pursue him.
That hadn’t always been the case in my relationships. There had been plenty other times in my twenties and thirties when I was the more interested party. I pined after men who gave me relational bread crumbs or who played a lot of cat and mouse games with me.
Unfortunately, I reserved my affections for men who hadn’t reserved their affections for me. I hoped...
I also knew that when my man came along, that I would immediately recognize him--just like the movie and just like my mentor had told me. After all, I had been praying he’d show up and I knew my love story work out the way I had planned.
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